You're welcome, Hollywood
Boy, that writer's strike really has the networks in a bind. Faced with the choice of reruns or reality/game shows, Hollywood is serving up steaming bowls of poop.
TBS seems to have the right idea, with their new Frank Caliendo vehicle, Frank TV. Unfortunately, a decent John Madden impersonation doesn't equate to 30 quality minutes of programming. With a little tinkering, I think they could have something.
Option 1. Frank TV
Same name, different Frank. I'm talking about none other than Republican pollster/sizzling hunk of man-meat Frank Luntz.
McDreamy? He's McHOTT. 30 minutes of Frankenstud and you'll need a fresh set of undergarments.
Option 2. Fred TV
If you're going to do an impersonation show, why not go with the best? And there's none better than Fred Travalena.
I'll never forget his Dinah Shore appearance where he did a bit about Dick Nixon going to an Asian massage parlor. I'm pretty sure Bonnie Franklin and Marvin Kalb wet themselves.
TBS seems to have the right idea, with their new Frank Caliendo vehicle, Frank TV. Unfortunately, a decent John Madden impersonation doesn't equate to 30 quality minutes of programming. With a little tinkering, I think they could have something.
Option 1. Frank TV
Same name, different Frank. I'm talking about none other than Republican pollster/sizzling hunk of man-meat Frank Luntz.
McDreamy? He's McHOTT. 30 minutes of Frankenstud and you'll need a fresh set of undergarments.
Option 2. Fred TV
If you're going to do an impersonation show, why not go with the best? And there's none better than Fred Travalena.
I'll never forget his Dinah Shore appearance where he did a bit about Dick Nixon going to an Asian massage parlor. I'm pretty sure Bonnie Franklin and Marvin Kalb wet themselves.
Sometimes, you just need to get away and clear your head
I find riding a zebra to be a great way to do just that. 
Cancel your newspaper, turn off your TV
Jackie Mason has all the 411 you need to stay on top of things.
Don't forget that you can pause & rewind if you're not able to take notes fast enough.
Don't forget that you can pause & rewind if you're not able to take notes fast enough.
Move Over, Christopher Lowell
Dear Fathead:
Could you please look into licensing the images from some of my favorite 1980s sitcoms? I'm particularly interested in ALF, Too Close for Comfort, Perfect Strangers, One Day at a Time, and Jennifer Slept Here.
Thanks,
CTK
Could you please look into licensing the images from some of my favorite 1980s sitcoms? I'm particularly interested in ALF, Too Close for Comfort, Perfect Strangers, One Day at a Time, and Jennifer Slept Here.
Thanks,
CTK
Blatant Ubermilf Ripoff
I'm going to borrow a page from her playbook and serve up a heaping dish of Bad Music Thursday. Enjoy!
ATTN: Gamers
Unfortunately I can't embed this game into my blog ala Darth and Burger Time (which continues to piss me off), but this may be the greatest video game of all time. Enjoy!
Wins-LOWWWWWW!!!!
Wins-LOWWWWWW!!!!
Hooray for 'Merica
I'm giddy with anticipation for tonight's CNN/Youtube Republican presidential debate. I hope to see Rudy waterboarding gay illegal immigrants while Huckabee tosses bibles to the crowd from his giant ark.
The first candidate to say this gets my vote:
Also, since these debates have now embraced the Internets, I propose that all questions be asked by internet celebrities, like the Icy Hot Stuntaz or the I Kiss You Guy.
The first candidate to say this gets my vote:
Also, since these debates have now embraced the Internets, I propose that all questions be asked by internet celebrities, like the Icy Hot Stuntaz or the I Kiss You Guy.
Gobble Gobble (belated)
I decided to take a different tack this Thanksgiving and schlep the fam down to the Outer Banks for the long weekend. Somehow, due to a last-minute cancellation, I was able to snag an oceanfront house for a song, and we lucked out with the weather. On Thanksgiving I was walking barefoot in the sand, in a Tshirt and shorts, in 80 degrees and sunshine. Not bad.
View from our back deck (I should have taken a pic of the hot tub):
Another view:
And yet another:
Whoops, that's a scene from Warren Dunes in Michigan some 20 years ago or so. Included in this scene is yours truly, Darth, and the Sexy Professor. And while you're taking in the glory of our mulletude, don't miss the wacky hats!
View from our back deck (I should have taken a pic of the hot tub):
Another view:
And yet another:
Whoops, that's a scene from Warren Dunes in Michigan some 20 years ago or so. Included in this scene is yours truly, Darth, and the Sexy Professor. And while you're taking in the glory of our mulletude, don't miss the wacky hats!
Can't a blogger recuperate from a long holiday weekend?
Geezo.
Apparently it's Tony Danza Week. I wish I would have known this beforehand, I might have baked a pie or something. For now, however, all I have is this picture of Tony squelching laughter as he watches Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke feebly attempt to justify the practice of removing food and energy prices from the measure of "core inflation".
Oops - never mind, he was watching a beagle cleaning his "personal region".
Apparently it's Tony Danza Week. I wish I would have known this beforehand, I might have baked a pie or something. For now, however, all I have is this picture of Tony squelching laughter as he watches Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke feebly attempt to justify the practice of removing food and energy prices from the measure of "core inflation".
Oops - never mind, he was watching a beagle cleaning his "personal region".
My sources tell me...
...that the Wayans Brothers are going highbrow.
Just wait until you see Jeremy Irons in Black Chicks!
Just wait until you see Jeremy Irons in Black Chicks!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
and they're like: It's better than yours
and Jerry's like: LAYYYYY-DEEEEEEEEE!
Does this mean his penis is really good at math?
I can't pork you right now, my johnson is solving a modified Bessel function.
Engineers = sex camels
Engineers = sex camels
Just try not to shit your pants laughing
You won't believe your ears!
BTW, that part about the Butthole Surfers? So true - no thanks!
I was going to pen an ode to the magic of Michael, but no words of mine can top these from the website of one of his myriad booking agents:
Dogs barking. Feet squishing in soggy sneakers. Chalk screeching across a classroom chalkboard. Jet engines roaring. All ordinary, familiar sounds when they come from the ordinary, familiar sources. How extraordinary when the source is Michael Winslow.
BTW, that part about the Butthole Surfers? So true - no thanks!
I was going to pen an ode to the magic of Michael, but no words of mine can top these from the website of one of his myriad booking agents:
Dogs barking. Feet squishing in soggy sneakers. Chalk screeching across a classroom chalkboard. Jet engines roaring. All ordinary, familiar sounds when they come from the ordinary, familiar sources. How extraordinary when the source is Michael Winslow.
Sometimes I just search the Internets for things I used to enjoy
and if I find them, I like to share.
This weekend's Whopperism:
Nespotism.
I was hoping for more, but didn't really get much besides talk of his new "plah-sma" (or perhaps "plosma" would be a better spelling of his pronunciation) TV and writing still more letters to the editor of the Atlantic City Press about property taxes.
Oh, sorry - I should clarify. "The Whopper" is my father-in-law, who was in town this weekend. He's about 5'7", 150 lbs. He's a really good guy but he's almost Magic Johnson-like in his ability to make up new words. My personal favorite was the time he incorporated "juxtasuppose" and "fonton" (futon) into a single sentence.
I was hoping for more, but didn't really get much besides talk of his new "plah-sma" (or perhaps "plosma" would be a better spelling of his pronunciation) TV and writing still more letters to the editor of the Atlantic City Press about property taxes.
Oh, sorry - I should clarify. "The Whopper" is my father-in-law, who was in town this weekend. He's about 5'7", 150 lbs. He's a really good guy but he's almost Magic Johnson-like in his ability to make up new words. My personal favorite was the time he incorporated "juxtasuppose" and "fonton" (futon) into a single sentence.
Soundtrack from tonight's trip to the grocery store
I'll bet it beats yours:
On a related note, I sometimes find myself wondering if Eddy Grant and Billy Ocean became friends after recording the theme songs to Romancing the Stone and its followup, Jewel of the Nile, respectively. Similarly, I sometimes wonder if Christopher Cross and Michael McDonald became tight after their collaboration on "Ride Like the Wind". And then I wonder if all four of them ever played golf together, or had a team in a bowling league, or went on quadruple dates together or anything.
I'm not sure why I think about things like this, but I do. Sometimes.
And one final note before I end this suddenly awkward post - to this day whenever I hear the Michael McDonald "SUCH A LONG WAY TO GOOOOOO" line in "Ride Like the Wind" I have to stop whatever I'm doing, put my hands up to my ears as if to press a pair of imaginary headphones tightly against my head to better hear the track, close my eyes, and sing along as if I were Michael himself in the studio. I'm also not sure why I do that, but that's how I roll.
Yes, I'm still taking my medication.
On a related note, I sometimes find myself wondering if Eddy Grant and Billy Ocean became friends after recording the theme songs to Romancing the Stone and its followup, Jewel of the Nile, respectively. Similarly, I sometimes wonder if Christopher Cross and Michael McDonald became tight after their collaboration on "Ride Like the Wind". And then I wonder if all four of them ever played golf together, or had a team in a bowling league, or went on quadruple dates together or anything.
I'm not sure why I think about things like this, but I do. Sometimes.
And one final note before I end this suddenly awkward post - to this day whenever I hear the Michael McDonald "SUCH A LONG WAY TO GOOOOOO" line in "Ride Like the Wind" I have to stop whatever I'm doing, put my hands up to my ears as if to press a pair of imaginary headphones tightly against my head to better hear the track, close my eyes, and sing along as if I were Michael himself in the studio. I'm also not sure why I do that, but that's how I roll.
Yes, I'm still taking my medication.
Let there be no doubt as to who is bringing sexy back
It's not Darth, it's me. And I'm enlisting the help of my good friends at J.C. Penney.
What is Sexy?
Sometimes, sexy is dressy.
Sometimes, sexy is casual.
Sometimes, sexy is a little bit country and a little bit western.
And sometimes, sexy is all about the terrycloth.
What is Sexy?
Sometimes, sexy is dressy.
Sometimes, sexy is casual.
Sometimes, sexy is a little bit country and a little bit western.
And sometimes, sexy is all about the terrycloth.
Do you like your rock 'n roll the way I do?
In Japanese and with a healthy dose of puppets? If so, then this is for you.
I hope this hasn't already been featured in Bad Music Thursday over at Ubermilf.
I hope this hasn't already been featured in Bad Music Thursday over at Ubermilf.
Silly Gary!
You're not supposed to drink it!
This story provides me with the opportunity to share with you a CTK favorite - pour a pitcher of these on a warm summer evening, sit back, and enjoy the joie de vivre.
Kitty Dukakis
2 parts Pine-Sol
1 part vermouth (dry)
1 part pineapple juice
Splash of grenadine
This story provides me with the opportunity to share with you a CTK favorite - pour a pitcher of these on a warm summer evening, sit back, and enjoy the joie de vivre.
Kitty Dukakis
2 parts Pine-Sol
1 part vermouth (dry)
1 part pineapple juice
Splash of grenadine
Kwik-e Houston Recap: Good Times
- 2.5 hour mechanical delay (refueling issue) on the outbound flight. Highlight: Mechanic can't seem to pull up the handle used to open the gas cap, so he reaches into his pocket and, drawing upon his rudimentary knowledge of levers and fulcrums and such, pulls out a quarter and tries to pry the handle open. When that doesn't work, he disappears for a good 20-30 minutes. This would happen again later when attempting to open the gas cap on the other wing.
- Arrive at the conference 30 minutes after the start time of my panel. Thankfully (or unfortunately), they're able to swap panels and schedule mine for a later time (I'd like to think it's because I'm just that important, but the panel moderator/my former boss/big fish in my small work pond was also on my flight).
- After a day of stomach rumblings - including an in-flight check to make sure that I had an air sickness bag at the ready - I abruptly interrupt a delightful conversation with colleagues during a pre-dinner reception by announcing that I'm not feeling well. Working my way through the hotel lobby full of tax nerds I get within 10 feet of the men's room entrance before violently heaving all over myself.
Damn I'm smoove. Apparently I'm combating a stomach bug of some sort. I had a similar experience while out with friends last night (although I made it to the bathroom in time).
I was going to post the Vomit Guy (Mr. Creosote) scene from Meaning of Life here, but that's pretty revolting.
Okay, here it is.
I'll be back in a jiffy
I'm off to Houston for some work dealie (don't worry, I shan't mess with Texas at any point during my trip).
While I'm away, Timmy will be taking your requests!
While I'm away, Timmy will be taking your requests!
Rocktober addendum
Belated props to Bizdren for bringing this travesty to my atención. He also requested more Dio on the blog; I'm doing what I can.
Dugout's take here.
I'm gonna be hella pissed if anyone tries to trademark Moevember.
Old Ass Update
So I got ANOTHER invitation to join AARP.
But this time they've sweetened the offer:
That, my friends, is some seriously fly gear. Bonus - it looks like it's the perfect size to hold my Jitterbug, Wint-O-Green lifesavers, and Medicalert bracelet, and there may even be room for a can of Boost. Plus it looks like it would easily fit in the front basket of my Li'l Rascal 20HP Super Duty. I just may have to snag this bad boy.
Dugout's take here.
I'm gonna be hella pissed if anyone tries to trademark Moevember.
Old Ass Update
So I got ANOTHER invitation to join AARP.
But this time they've sweetened the offer:
That, my friends, is some seriously fly gear. Bonus - it looks like it's the perfect size to hold my Jitterbug, Wint-O-Green lifesavers, and Medicalert bracelet, and there may even be room for a can of Boost. Plus it looks like it would easily fit in the front basket of my Li'l Rascal 20HP Super Duty. I just may have to snag this bad boy.
Fuck You, Colorado Rockies
You've just pissed away whatever feel-good capital you had with this baseball fan.
Seriously, trademarking Rocktober? WHERE DO YOU GET THE BALLS? I bet you can't even answer a single one of these questions.
ROCKTOBER is irretrievably woven into the fabric of America, my friends.
You can't just slap a trademark on it because you want to corner the market on soon-to-be-embarrasingly-irrelevant T-shirt sales. Oh contraire, mon friend. Rocktober is a stallion that cannot be tamed by fiat.
Seriously, trademarking Rocktober? WHERE DO YOU GET THE BALLS? I bet you can't even answer a single one of these questions.
ROCKTOBER is irretrievably woven into the fabric of America, my friends.
You can't just slap a trademark on it because you want to corner the market on soon-to-be-embarrasingly-irrelevant T-shirt sales. Oh contraire, mon friend. Rocktober is a stallion that cannot be tamed by fiat.
Coming Soon to a Mercury Mariner Near You
According to my sources, Ford will soon be announcing their answer to GM's popular OnStar service: RonStar.
Ford's RonStar is in many ways quite similar to GM's OnStar service, but with one major difference - drivers will be connected directly to Ronnie James Dio. RonStar will come standard on all 2009 model year Ford, Lincoln, Mercury, Jaguar, Land Rover, Volvo, and Mazda vehicles.
The first year's subscription to the basic service (turn-by-turn navigation, emergency assistance, casting of door-unlock spell) will be included with the purchase of any RonStar-equipped vehicle, renewable at $9.95/month thereafter. Premium RonStar service plans that feature additional Dio spellcasting options will be available as follows:
Evil Serpent Appears in Back Seat of Nearby Vehicle
5 spells/month -- $5.99
10 spells/month -- $9.99
20 spells/month -- $17.99 (BEST VALUE)
Plague of Locusts Swarms Tollbooth
5 spells/month -- $11.99
10 spells/month -- $19.99
20 spells/month -- $34.99 (BEST VALUE)
All Car Radios Tuned to Sean Hannity
5 spells/month -- $14.99
10 spells/month -- $24.99
20 spells/month -- $44.99 (BEST VALUE)
Ford's RonStar is in many ways quite similar to GM's OnStar service, but with one major difference - drivers will be connected directly to Ronnie James Dio. RonStar will come standard on all 2009 model year Ford, Lincoln, Mercury, Jaguar, Land Rover, Volvo, and Mazda vehicles.
The first year's subscription to the basic service (turn-by-turn navigation, emergency assistance, casting of door-unlock spell) will be included with the purchase of any RonStar-equipped vehicle, renewable at $9.95/month thereafter. Premium RonStar service plans that feature additional Dio spellcasting options will be available as follows:
Evil Serpent Appears in Back Seat of Nearby Vehicle
5 spells/month -- $5.99
10 spells/month -- $9.99
20 spells/month -- $17.99 (BEST VALUE)
Plague of Locusts Swarms Tollbooth
5 spells/month -- $11.99
10 spells/month -- $19.99
20 spells/month -- $34.99 (BEST VALUE)
All Car Radios Tuned to Sean Hannity
5 spells/month -- $14.99
10 spells/month -- $24.99
20 spells/month -- $44.99 (BEST VALUE)
It's Hip to Be Square
This fall's TV lineup buzz is all about geek chic! Shows like Chuck and Big Bang Theory are taking nerds to a whole new showbiz level. What else is in the pipeline?
Check Mate
This chess king keeps running into pawns on his quest for a queen. If only the game of love were as easy as 1.Kh2 2.Qe4 3.Qd5.
Chillin' With The Woz
Q: Steve Jobs is all over the news these days, but what's the other Apple co-founder, Steve Wozniak, up to?
A: He's up to his ears in hijinks and shenanigans, just you watch!
Two Guys, A Girl, And A Rubber Sword
When these three LARP, you'll LOL!
Howe's It Hangin'?
Former Yes and ASIA guitarist Steve Howe stars as a wisecracking science teacher with a heart of gold. Upon discovering that his dweeby star pupil is striking out with the ladies, Mr. Howe turns him into a guitar hero and homecoming king!
Suddenly Ned
This one is still on the drawing board, but the rough outline involves this guy Ned.
Check Mate
This chess king keeps running into pawns on his quest for a queen. If only the game of love were as easy as 1.Kh2 2.Qe4 3.Qd5.
Chillin' With The Woz
Q: Steve Jobs is all over the news these days, but what's the other Apple co-founder, Steve Wozniak, up to?
A: He's up to his ears in hijinks and shenanigans, just you watch!
Two Guys, A Girl, And A Rubber Sword
When these three LARP, you'll LOL!
Howe's It Hangin'?
Former Yes and ASIA guitarist Steve Howe stars as a wisecracking science teacher with a heart of gold. Upon discovering that his dweeby star pupil is striking out with the ladies, Mr. Howe turns him into a guitar hero and homecoming king!
Suddenly Ned
This one is still on the drawing board, but the rough outline involves this guy Ned.
Me-owrs of entertainment!
Who doesn't love LOLCATS?
I got together with my good friend Lenore the other day and we tried to come up with our own set of whimsical cat macros. Aren't they adorable?
I got together with my good friend Lenore the other day and we tried to come up with our own set of whimsical cat macros. Aren't they adorable?
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