Yes, I probably will see The DaVinci Code

Not because it's going to be Hanks-tastic - I have my own reasons. And if Darth Chaucer can post eye candy, so can I, dammit. Except mine will be all black & white, so it's more artsy & classy.

Stop it, my sides are killing me

From Justin to Swayze

We haven't heard a peep out of Sideshow Justin since his sizzling performance in this Beach Blanket Bingo ripoff. I don't get it - this kid has way too much talent to be working at Best Buy. At a minimum, he should be surrounded by muppets and singing songs about rainbows and abstinence. Better yet, someone needs to get a Roadhouse 2 script to Bruckheimer ASAP. If I know him like I think I do, he'll realize that Justin is Dalton.

Even better, it could be a remake - WITH SWAYZE. It's not like he's doing anything important these days.

He could switch roles in this one, a la Bob Mitchum in Cape Fear. Now that he's older & wilier, Swayze would be a perfect replacement for Sam Elliott as Wade Garrett.



Roadhouse Trivia:
Bobby Sixkiller was one of the stuntmen.

Arlington, Virginia - HELLO

Well, I'm nothing if not a man of my word, so here I am friends. It's been awhile, so pardon my rust. Here we go…

Men's skin care ain't what it used to be. It used to be that a bar of Zest and a washcloth was all a fella needed. Changing times… I miss Lamb Chop, but not half as much as I miss Shari Lewis… If you told me in 1996 that a business owned by Arnold, Sly and Bruce Willis would wind up in bankruptcy, I'd call you nutso. But that's exactly what happened to Planet Hollywood… If you ask me, Sprite is just 7-Up with a bigger marketing budget. I can't taste the difference… Who let the dogs out? Not Kelly Ripa. Her children Michael, Lola and Joaquin are all cute as a button.

If you're watching your cholesterol, don't forget about the good cholesterol. It sounds strange, but you actually want to make that number go up. A bowl of Quaker oatmeal is a great way to do just that. Kudos to my good friend Wilford Brimley for letting me in on that secret… Hurricane season is right around the corner, folks. Funnyman Robert Klein says 2006 could be a doozy… Dollar for dollar, there isn't a better fabric softener on the market than SnuggleMario Van Peebles is a terrific actor and a heckuva cook to boot.

If you haven't seen Annapolis yet, you're missing out on a terrific story… If we aren't careful with that crackpot in Iran, things could get ugly. Literally… Speaking of which, CNN money whiz Lou Dobbs says gas prices could keep going up. You know what? I believe him… Remember when everyone wanted formica on their kitchen counters? Not anymore, friends. These days, it's graniteBoscs are the most underrated pears ever. End of discussion… If you're not happy to see Jim Leyland back in a major league dugout, you're not a true baseball fan… Anyone who tells you Norman Mineta is a crummy Transportation Secretary doesn't know what he's talking about.


Canada's Polka King is 71 years young today.

This three-time grammy winner may be viewed by some as Canada's answer to Frankie Yankovic, but he's established himself as a first-rate showman and superstar in his own right. And who can forget his epic stand at the Battle of Kitchener in the Great North American Polka War of 1983? But for Walter's squeezebox heroics, much of Ontario might now be subject to the somber waltzes of the Diablos Azules del AcordiĆ³n.

Hey, don't just sit there! Join the conversation!

Big Ups to Chet Arthur

America's first metrosexual president and foppish dandy extraordinaire:

He was sometimes called "Elegant Arthur" for his commitment to fashionable attire and was said to have "looked like a president." He reportedly kept 80 pairs of pants in his wardrobe, and changed pants several times a day. He was called "Chet" by family and friends, and his middle name, with the stress on the second syllable ("Al-AN").

You go Chet. And slap all those hatas with your crisp white linen gloves.

You Lucky Bastards

Guess who I lined up to fill in as a guest blogger?

That's right - the Iron Horse of Broadcasting. I'm not sure when or how often he'll show up, but when I asked if he'd take the reins from time to time he did say "yeah, fine [just get off the goddamn phone]".

Here's the March 5 transcript from

RITTER: Your apartment?
D. KNOTTS: Do you have a hearing problem?
D. KNOTTS: Does he have a hearing problem?
D. KNOTTS: Yes, my apartment!
D. KNOTTS: I'm Ralph Furley! I'm going to be the new building manager.
DEWITT: The new what?
SOMERS: The new who?
RITTER: The new which?
D. KNOTTS: They all have a hearing problem.

KING: (AUDIO GAP) ... generation of fans and created a memorable character on the hit "Three's Company." He played Ralph Furley, Jack, Chrissy, and Janet's landlord, and would-be swinger. Alright, let's go to the phones. Arlington, Virginia, hello.
CALLER: Hello?
KING: Yes, go ahead.
CALLER: Yeah, hi Larry. I've been a fan of yours for, like, years. I really miss those columns you used to write in USA TODAY.
KING: Thank you. We're remembering Don Knotts tonight, what's your question?
CALLER: I like to call it "McPaper", because it's like the fast food of newspapers. You still read it, though, just like you still go to Mickey D's. I usually -
KING: Okay. Joyce, I understand Don got along very well with John Ritter.
CALLER: - O-Fish. Anyhow, uh, (INAUDIBLE) blog and was wondering if you'd like to get back in front of the keyboard and let your fingers work their magic like they did for USA TODAY.
DEWITT: Oh, certainly. They were two incredibly gifted and talented actors, but also very warm and caring people. They -
CALLER: Holy shit, is that Joyce DeWitt?
KING: Uhh… sorry friends, we seem to be having problems with the phone thing here.
CALLER: I always thought she'd be better in the sack than Chrissy. You know, like she knew she wasn't as hot as Chrissy and had to, you know, compensate? I bet she was into -
CALLER: - made out of PVC, and velvet ankle and wrist restraints -
KING: (INAUDIBLE) so we're going to cut to a quick commercial break and be right back with more of this special edition of Larry King Live, Remembering Don Knotts.

Just asking:

Q. How cool is Video Professor?

A. Really freaking cool.

Stop it already!

Vin Diesel is NOT gay.

I mean, how many gay Dungeons and Dragons freaks do you know?