They left out the best part

of this story.

With Notre Dame sitting on a comfortable lead, Weis' thoughts turned to grilled sausage. At that moment, a UW stadium services employee strolled over and handed him a kielbasa, generously garnished with mustard and onions. "It's almost like Montana took my order,'' Weis said.

So the wife has been on my case lately

about all my recent trips to Branson and Vegas, and the new 8-track player I just bought, and my decision to shave my beard but keep the mustache... the nagging has been nonstop. Finally I just had to tell her:

Where have you gone,

Chunky A?

A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Hints from Heloweasel

Dear Heloweasel:

Do you ever get really hungry, but worry about eating something because you don’t want to spoil your appetite for dinner? Whenever this happens, I grab a Snickers bar. It fills me up, but not to the point that I can’t eat come dinnertime.

Ted Roquefort, Odessa, TX

Dear Ted:

Thanks for sharing this great tip! I’m partial to crickets myself, but I don’t know how well that would go over with our readers.


Dear Heloweasel:

A few weeks ago I was taking my cockapoo Britches to the groomer when she had an accident in the back seat. Do you have any advice for getting the odor out of my car? I've tried everything from the pine tree on the mirror to Resolve, and nothing seems to work.

Agnes Pedersen, Yakima, WA

Dear Agnes,

Blot the area first with a thick towel, rinse it with one teaspoon of mild detergent and eight ounces of water. Then make a solution of one-third vinegar and two-thirds cool water. Blot with paper towels between each step.


Dear Heloweasel:

I’m a 19 year-old cosmetology student with a medical device fetish. Because I’m in school, I’m on a rather limited budget, and really can’t afford the gear I need. I decided to get creative and make my own “doctor’s kit” from items in my kitchen.

Some examples:

BBQ Tongs = Foreceps
Rolling Pin = Dilator
Turkey Baster = Enema

Andrea Merkle, Tinley Park, IL

Dear Andrea:

If I had a nickel for every "poor, struggling student" letter I receive, I'd be able to afford gold-plated scapulas and catheters. Being a student isn't easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. Great ideas!


The Joys of Lame-duckery

There’s something incredibly liberating about getting another job lined up while already having a job. Given that my sole motivation to actually do anything while at work is to avoid getting fired, having this kind of safety net allows me to suckle unfettered at the corporate teat. “You want this memo by Friday? Gosh, I’ll sure try. It’s just that, um, I’m really busy with a bunch of things ‘n stuff right now.” (Bad news, readers – you’ll be paying my salary at my next job. I can’t guarantee you’ll get your money’s worth.)

Including today, I have 33 more days of “work” with my current employer. Help me figure out how to spend those 264 hours!

My ideas so far:
- Write some more Scarecrow & Mrs. King fan fiction
- Recreate the Sharks vs. Jets scene from West Side Story in the lobby of my building – the maintenance workers can be the Sharks, the security guards can be the Jets
- Lead the mailroom staff in a daily 10:30 AM rendition of Who Let The Dogs Out?
- Build a wall out of stacks of printer paper around my desk and shoot staples at any enemy coworkers who dare to invade my fortress
- Bring in my Darrin’s Dance Grooves DVDs and work on my popping and locking (I think I have Bye Bye Bye down pretty well now)
- Lots and lots and lots of Minesweeper
- Pull up a chair and sit in the office of my insufferable Tina Yothers look-alike coworker all day long, staring at her and telling her “you’re so good at what you do”
- Curl up with a good book

Random Observations

on Chrysler's current Lee Iacocca ad campaign:


I don't know why I take such great pleasure in watching the continuing downward spiral of Jason Alexander's career. I must have read some interview with him years ago where he came across as a jackass. Regardless, it's nice to see him resort to resurrecting his Costanza persona almost a decade after it was put to rest in order to make a buck.


While the granddaughter spot is undoubtedly supposed to show the tender, loving side of Iacocca, I see something else. After she mocks his "if you can find a better car, buy it" line, I see a rageaholic hissing "that's my girl" through clenched teeth while thinking "NOBODY TALKS TO LEE IACOCCA THAT WAY - I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU." In fact, I'm convinced they tried several actresses before her, but Lee kept trying to strangle them. Thankfully, the director was able to find some OxyContin on the set.


Snoop has a terrible golf swing. Also, I bet the same people who thought it would be HILARIOUS to put these two together are responsible for this flaming turd. The next Chris Guest/Gene Levy vehicle better be damn good; Levy has a lot to answer for.