Shat-tacular


As much as I enjoy Shatner's solo performance on $20,000 Pyramid, I can't say anything he's done beats this gem:



(sorry Bill)

Somebody give me a HOO-HA TWO TIMES TUESDAY

I think I'll celebrate by pummelling my ol' pal Bad Andy in a game of Yo! Noid.


[Insert your own Hoo-Ha joke here]

Another take on Enron

The innocent victim of today's verdict:


Tonight's forecast: Mostly cloudy with a 70% chance of shame.

What's missing from this picture?


A. Larry Wilcox reading Gil Gerard his rights
B. Clyde the orangutan backing the Mandrell Sisters on percussion
C. Arte Johnson and Willie Aames playing Frogger
D. Robert Conrad and John Davidson splitting a jug of Paul Masson

Haiku Redux

Darth has more fun with the Winnin' Ugly crowd here.

Haiku Corner

Today's theme: World Champs



Ribbie and Roobarb
Theirs was a love forbidden
Ribbie was catcher

Karko and Spanky
Untamed backstop warriors
Weak grounders to third

Ducksnort, can of corn
Tired geriatric windbag
How soon til He Gawn?

Heads up Li'l Dibber
Vance Law is standing on third
It's too late, you're out

Baseball pioneer
The legacy of Bill Veeck?
Midgets and short pants

Because you've been such a great audience

I'm giving you a present to commemorate 100 posts on this here blog dealie. I hope you enjoy #101 as much as I do.

Iraq is gonna be awesome after the war is over

WELCOME TO IRAQ

Home Of


Sunnis, Shiites & Kurds may not see eye to eye most of the time, but one thing they can all agree on: Lionel Richie is da bomb.
Grown Iraqi men get misty-eyed by the mere mention of his name. "I love Lionel Richie," they say. Iraqis who do not understand a word of English can sing an entire Lionel Richie song.

Once things settle down in Baghdad, I think we'll see the famous toppled Saddam statue replaced with this:


The design for their new currency is already in place:


And the eyes of the world will be upon the Iraqis when they stand up in unison, put their hands over their hearts, and sing their new National Anthem.

Help Wanted

I'm in the market for a new personal valet.

After several months of serving me ably, Hans Lippmann has decided to pursue a career in adult puppetry. I can't fault a man for chasing his dreams - Godspeed, Hans. Godspeed.

Hans at the award ceremony for the first ever CTK lottery for prospective manservants


I decided to scrap the lottery this year (the Pricewaterhouse Coopers auditor guy wasn't cheap, and he drank most of the booze at the afterparty) and hired an executive search firm. I've narrowed the field down to 3 candidates (technically 4), each of whom brings something unique to the table. Tough call.

Ocho


I assume that's a nickname, although why would you call yourself "eight"? Anyway, he knows how to make caiparhinas and claims to know a lot of women in Buenos Aires. Neither of those sound like bad things. He uses the words "tight" and "sick" an awful lot, though, which costs him some points.

Ron


Ron is really good at Everquest. I think he has like a billion platinum pieces or something.

Larry and Jimbo


These guys seem to be a package deal, although having two valets seems like overkill. And I don't have that much room in my house. That said, Larry can ride a unicycle and Jimbo does an unbelievable Dom Deloise impression. Plus their uncle owns like a dozen scimitars.

REPENT

Sure, I couldn't afford the real thing

But I wish I would have looked into having Fake Loaf play my wedding.

Working for the Weekend

What's Mike Reno up to these days, you ask?



About 285.

The Iran Crisis: I've seen this before


You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
When I met you
I picked you out, I shook you up, and turned you around
Turned you into someone new
Now five years later on you’ve got the world at your feet
Success has been so easy for you
But don’t forget it’s me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too

Don’t, don’t you want me?
You know I can’t believe it when I hear that you won’t see me
Don’t, don’t you want me?
You know I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t need me
It’s much too late to find
You think you’ve changed your mind
You’d better change it back or we will both be sorry


I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
That much is true
But even then I knew I’d find a much better place
Either with or without you
The five years we have had have been such good times
I still love you
But now I think it’s time I lived my life on my own
I guess it’s just what I must do

CHORUS
Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh
Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh

Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh
Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh

Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh
Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh

Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh
Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh

Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh
Don’t you want me baby? don’t you want me - oh

Tijuana Blows

Haven't been able to upload my pics from the trip yet, but wanted to give you peeps a quick update on Cinco de Mayo (which, by the way, is celebrated in Mexico about as riotously as we celebrate Columbus Day).



Here is a typical scene from the main drag through town (update the pic to the year 2006 and it's as if I took it myself). Every block has this peculiarity - a donkey painted to look like a zebra, along with a guy who will take your picture on this contraption for a few bucks. I don't know why we passed on it; memories like these are priceless. BTW, doesn't Mexico have an ASPCA equivalent? They should.

Sadly that's probably the least offensive attraction on the street. The endless procession of dirty stores selling cheap Viagra, trinkets, rugs, and Cuban cigars** is bad enough, but the constant harrassment by the crap peddlers makes it unbearable. I've been to Mexican tourist traps before, and none of them come close to this cesspool.







**Made in Honduras


Did I mention the strip clubs? Hey, Darth and I are a couple of red-blooded American males, why shouldn't we check one out? I wish we hadn't. Between the skankwhore who sounded like a dude when (s)he asked if I wanted a lapdance or perhaps a blowjob (!) and the shifty looking manager-guy who pointed me out to a couple of bouncers as he became increasingly irritated by my firm resistance to the overtures of the skankitas, my Spider Sense was tingling. Thankfully, Darth finished off his three-way with Gabriella and the burro before long. (I'm kidding.) (Or am I?)

The highlight of the excursion was either (a) crossing the border back into the US, (2) a decent meal of steak tacos in a back-alley dive, or (D) Mexi-Meese. I'm pissed I didn't take a picture of that guy. He was the spitting image of former Attorney General Ed Meese, only Mexican. I don't know how else to describe him.



No, not like that.

You Bitches Better Show Me Some Respect


I don't bust my hump 8/5/235 for nothing. I do it for you.

Random Phil Collins Photo of the Day



You're welcome.

What could possibly go wrong?



It looks like Darth Chaucer and I will be celebrating Cinco de Mayo in Tijuana. Does anyone have a one of these thingies I can borrow?