Meet June 2005's "I Wanna Kill That Guy" of the Month

Ty Pennington.

Given that my average reader is a 43-year old stay-at-home mom in Duluth, GA, I know what you're thinking - what's your deal? He's just a lovable, off-the-wall, hunk-of-a-carpenter who likes to goof around on the set of Trading Spaces.

First, that description of him seems to be the product of a calculated marketing/PR campaign. Funny how it pops up here and here. And here, too, where we also learn that Ty has a one man band called Barney, in which he sings and plays the guitar in a white leisure suit lit up with Christmas lights. What a cutup - he's Ray Stevens with props.

Which leads me to point number two - his schtick. Wacky does not equal funny, at least not funny ha-ha. It equals bad and annoying, and Ty is extremely wacky. He's the Carrot Top of the home improvement world.

C'mon Ty, nobody's going to Sears.

Houston, we have... well, actually we really don't have any problems

I had to go to Houston earlier this week and was looking forward to taking in all of its craptacular glory. I was certain it would provide me with myriad whimsical observations to report. It is, after all, America's fattest city. And it's in Texas.

Not much to report. Wonderful hotel, excellent dinner, and a whole mess o' hotties. It would have been nice to hang with Scrap Iron, but I guess I can't have everything.

Congratulations, Houston - you're not that bad!

Highway to the Danger Zone

What a difference a haircut makes.

Good news - scouring the Internets for my a facsimile of my new look brought me to this gem, a portion of which appears below.

If there's one thing you can't say about Kenny Loggins, it's that he doesn't give back.


Kenny entered the room.
starfish: hey Kenny
debbi: welcome kenny!
Sara: Hi Kenny
Kenny: Hi everyone!
Emma: H i Kenny
mel: Hey John
windchimeschild: Hi Kenny!

CTK: Um, mel? It's "Kenny". Focus.

namvette: You did more than 75 shows by my count last year
namvette: I was struck by the 5x we saw you as to how professional and consistent you and the band are
namvette: I kept thinking about Joe Dimaggios quote when asked why he hustled all out on every play
namvette: His answer was, there may be someone in the stands seeing me for the first time. I assume you feel the same way.

CTK: Joe DiMaggio,Kenny Loggins...Loggins, DiMaggio...yep, I can see it. Good call!

starfish: Hi...So GLAD to chat with you Kenny--wishing you love and light and positive thoughts...hope you have been well......You guys rocked last summer inHampton Beach!!!!! Gratitude to you for all you do..
starfish: For the friendships that you inspire amonst your fans....(sweet reunions if you will)
Kenny: Thank you.
starfish: by connecting "like minds"
Kenny: Yes, I think we have a great fan club.
starfish: you made my family and daughter feel so special last summer
starfish: the entire band autographed her pink tee
starfish: carl gave her sticks
starfish: made her day....she is 6
starfish: thank you so much....
starfish: in was wondering...what inspires you these days???
Kenny: Inspires me to do what?
starfish: Do you still journal and does it spiritually
starfish: provide the revelations you once shared
starfish: Any new "Truths" to share?

CTK: Okay, starfish - somebody needs a 'time out'. No, leave your helmet on. And don't forget to take your medication.

I'm working on a new look

Inspired by two of the greats - Barry and Benny.

It's probably a bit more My Two Dads-era Greg Evigan right now, but it's getting there.

It's also getting itchy.