She's talking to me, she's really talking to me!

Spring is in the air

and there isn't a better time to be in DC than during Cherry Blossom Season.

If you can't make it out here now, don't worry - it's always Turd Blossom Season.

Movie Corner

Random thoughts on the upcoming Sony Pictures release Benchwarmers:

A. I'm pleasantly surprised by Jon Heder's range.

2. Who does Rob Schneider have pictures of?

d. Over/Under on how often Spade says "What's in your wallet?" -- Eleven


I don't care if you're 8 or 80, poop is funny. Why else would I sit and watch a Dual Action Cleanse infomercial for 20+ minutes this weekend?

The scary part is that I found myself tempted to pick up the phone and place an order - especially when they announced that the first 100 callers would receive a STEEP DISCOUNT. I was able to resist the urge, however, deciding instead to comparison shop before I buy. Ultimately, I think I would like to purchase one of these products and see what happens. If I do, I'll keep a journal here for everyone to read.

I seem to recall that Darth Chaucer's prior experience with Colon Blow was less than stellar; he pretty much crapped out a schoolbus one day but quickly gained back whatever weight he lost. I think I'll pass on that one.

Dr. Natura looks promising, judging by their testimonials**:

After many visits to my doctor (August - December 2004) with pain in my side, he finally took an x-ray and discovered I was full of crap - literally!

For the first time I saw what looked like a rubbery long thing come out of me and I have to say I was a bit freaked out but am happy that that thing is not inside me anymore!!!

I HATE to be gross – NO ONE wants talk about, let alone HEAR about someone else's bowel movements, but I passed easily a two-to-three foot ‘excrement’ and felt like a new person.

I am a health conscious person and have been for most of my life, yet I was still crapping aliens!

My experiences in the bathroom became talk at the water cooler! I found myself talking about my poop to my coworkers (male & female), my friends, and sometimes strangers if the conversation led to it!

My butt hurts because I've gone so much, but it's well worth it!!

The biggest improvement I can say for my husband is that his gas does not stink like it used to. He could clear a room in seconds flat, and now when he has gas it's mostly just funny noises that I can laugh at instead of looking for the nearest exit because I was afraid of the horrific odor that was soon to follow.

I do not have the desire for bacon and eggs any longer after seeing what has been coming out. This is a good thing.

I have seen a clear distinction in what I term ‘old poop’ and ‘new poop.’

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do yourself a favor and buy this product and stick to it and if you are worried about the cost, think of it like this: How much does colon cancer cost?!

My family and I would laugh about how gassy I always was, but it was very embarrassing out in public! more gas! That is amazing!

I am in heaven, no more embarrassing ‘inside farts’ as I called them (actually felt like poop moving thru the body real quick) for everyone to hear while sitting in meetings.

Pretty hard to function when you feel like you are slowly being poisoned, by something unexplainable. I mean I was a vibrant, energetic dancer/circus aerialist for 12 years. Yes I said aerialist. Did I mention I married a clown?

I was so happy I started laughing. My husband called to me and asked what was so funny. I told him I just had a real poop. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever see real poop in the toilet.

There in the stool floated a nice, fat, long, anaconda-like looking, massive ring of turd. I wished I had a camera, because one end was light green, the middle was some other color unknown to man, and the rest was that same brown color covered in rubber again. I started screaming, ‘I did it! I did it!’ I know y’all are thinking I'm crazy, but I was clapping, and saying ‘YEAAAAH’ like a little kid. I came out of the stall, washed my hands, and looked in the mirror, while my girlfriend shook her head and told me how crazy I was. I told her I had never been so happy to take a crap in my life.

**WARNING: The actual testimonial pages on the Dr. Natura website are filled with vile, repulsive descriptions of poopery - some with photographs. Enter at your own risk.

Where are the Cub Scouts?

I'll never tell!

Haiku Corner

Today's theme: Tee-vee

Oh Cousin Larry
What a fine mess. That Balki!
Will you never learn?

Simon and Simon
A puzzling state of affairs
Which one is Simon?

William Sanderson
You will always be Larry
Get over yourself

Girlfriend, can we talk?
The View from here, atrocious
I spank Joy Behar

Fret not George Lopez
We're laughing on the inside
No really I swear

Suspicious Ropers
Joyce DeWitt, you naughty minx
40 for Ritter

One rock, two rocks, three
Aliens are people too
Lithgow now pimps soup

You Be the Judge

Thanks to my connections here in DC, I've been able to get my hands on exclusive photographs that clearly support Claude Allen's Evil Twin Theory.

Claude Allen

Floyd Allen

Why I Boycotted the Oscars

Like most of you, I was on pins and needles January 31 waiting for the Academy Award Nominations to be released. When the Best Picture category was announced and The Pacifier wasn't among the nominees, I thought "OK, glaring omission, but the Academy also overlooked Stone Cold in 1991. They gotta give Vin Diesel his props." Did they? I think you know the answer to that, and now you know why I didn't watch ABC Sunday night.

And before you tell me that I'm way out in left field on this one, 9 out of 10 Carls agree with me.

"I would call The Pacifier 'edu-tainment', because I laughed and learned."

"I thought it was a delightful film with a heartwarming performance by Mr. Diesel. I also like scampi."

"That Diesel kid is the closest thing to Bogey I've seen since Karl Malden."

"Let's get one thing straight, alright? I'm not one of know...those guys, but Vin just makes me sit up and take notice when he's onscreen. And I don't mean that in, you know, in a funny way."


"I have seen the future...its name is VIN"

"Tru dat, C."

"You didn't think he could do comedy, didja? Eat it, haters!"

"I haven't seen the movie yet, because my book club is still discussing the made-for-paperback version of the story and I don't want to ruin the ending. But I really like the book so far. Especially the pictures of Vin squirting the bad guys in the face with a juice box."

"Consider me Pacified!"

Stunning Factoid of the Day

As a pitcher, Larry Biittner averaged over 20 strikouts per 9 innings.

Unfortunately, he also averaged over 20 home runs allowed per 9 innings.