BIG HAPPY MEAT ATTACK



I love Japanese pop culture. At least what little I've been exposed to. Take this game show, for example. Does it get any better than human whackamoles taunting a hungry, irritable lizard with hats made of pork? I've long been a fan of meat hats, but this takes the medium to an entirely new level.

Link to the actual video here.


Two things that chap my hide

1. Jolly Old Elf My Ass

Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane

Sounds like Santa's belly isn't the only part of him that's bloated. What kind of an egomaniac insists on naming the street that he lives on after himself? I know what you're thinking - "um, maybe someone decided to rename it in honor of Santa…y'know, like Martin Luther King Jr. Drive or something." WRONG! The North Pole is part of the Nunavut territory, and I'm pretty damn sure the Inuit could give a rat's ass about some fat white guy in an ill-fitting red jumpsuit. Besides, their streets all have Inuit names like Eglitkuhitlo Drive and Kavamaat Way.

And it's bad enough to simply have the idea of naming a street after yourself - he actually took the steps necessary to Git-R-Done. I'm not familiar with the municipal planning rules and zoning ordinances in Nunavut, but getting a street name changed surely involves horrendous amounts of red tape. Unless, of course, he greased the right palms, which paints him in an even worse light.

2. Whiter Whites!

I'm getting tired of being bombarded by new products and procedures for whitening teeth - toothpaste, strips, laser treatment - enough already. White teeth are nice and all, but I think our society is focusing its attention on the wrong thing here, leaving ourselves exposed and vulnerable to an attack...



by the Cavity Creeps.

These guys make holes in teeth. Did you hear me? THEY MAKE HOLES IN TEETH. I don't care how sparkling your choppers are, you're not getting any if they have holes in them. Gross.

Unheralded things that are really cool

Marsupials

500-ton Egyptian obelisks

Viva Knievel

Carnivorous plants

Lancelot Link

Seat warmers

Fred Dryer

Only 12 Days Until Christmas!

Here's what I'm getting my true love:


Twelve Salad Shooters



Eleven Talking Rummies



Ten Scootie Juniors



Nine Mounted Weasels



Eight Rubber Chickens



Seven Foam Dome Beer Hats



Six Cans of Yoo Hoo



Five Flowbees



Four Kiss Rubber Ducks



Three Gophers



Two Corndogs



And a Chuck Woolery Fishing DVD

Christmas is a time for giving

For as little as twenty-five cents a day, you can make the world of one of these youngsters a little bit brighter.




You can help Rico overcome his feelings of inadequacy and loneliness with a new Xbox 360.













Maybe you'd like to help Corky here get the counseling he needs to finally stop wetting the bed.














Or perhaps you want to give Thad the gift of self-acceptance with a subscription to The Advocate.






Won't you help?





Coming Soon
I'm giddy with anticipation over the upcoming debut of Darth Chaucer's new website.

Sigh....Mondays



I wish it was Sunday (my 'I don't have to run' day).



I have a question
Why all the outcry over the cancellations of Alias and Arrested Development, but nary a peep over Head Cases?

That show had it all - star power, hilarious Odd Couple-y hijinks, and a touching message that mental illness is no laughing matter -- except when it makes Adam Goldberg do something OUTRAGEOUS!

I haven't seen a show get cancelled that quickly since Poochinski.

A walk down memory lane

Watching last night's Illinois/Carolina game, I couldn't help but get a little misty-eyed at the thought of who was missing from UNC's roster. No, I'm not talking about May or McCants - I'm talking about the the Flying Dutchman. Zwikk the Quick.



SERGE ZWIKKER.

Okay, so he graduated several years ago. I still miss him - seven feet two inches of awkward, ham-fisted lethargy dressed in Carolina blue. Alan Greenspan could probably take him in a game of 21, but that was part of his appeal. He was the irrefutable argument against the "you can't coach height" approach to assembling a basketball team.

And he has a championship ring and you don't.

GOBBLE GOBBLE




Worst. Photoedit. Ever.

New Job Update

How's it hanging? Your dutiful civil servant/blogger has been on the job for almost three full days now, and already the Club Fed lifestyle is fitting me like a glove. Makes me wonder why I ever left…oh yeah, cash. Anyhow, observations to date:

- The gubmint has made a significant technology upgrade since I've been gone. Unfortunately, there has been no corresponding upgrade to furniture or general d├ęcor. For that matter, it also appears that there have been no upgrades to employee wardrobes, hairstyles, or social skills. I challenge any other employer to come up with more creative interpretations of "business casual".

- The bathrooms now have autoflush toilets. I wonder if this was in response to my former coworker who once chased a guy down the hall for not flushing the urinal and nearly came to blows with him.

- Being a 5-minute walk from Chinatown is both good and bad.

- The guy who runs a soda shop out of his office is still in business. Why pay $0.75 for a soda in the machine when you can get one from him for just $0.70? I've been told he's expanded his product line to include certain snack food items.

- Yesterday's "Beignet Sale" to benefit somethingorother appeared to suffer from poor attendance. A "Beignet Giveaway" would have worked much better with the government crowd.


Kurrent Events Korner

It's sad to see that Paris is burning. That said, I'd rather see that than Rome is Burning.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!

I'm leaving the ultimate winner of 2005's Rocktober Awesome Band of the Year up to you, my readers! After endless consultations with my inner circle, I've decided that two competitors are worthy of the crown. The final decision is up to you, dear readers.

It's hard to argue with this:




Duh-duh-duh-duhhh...duh-duh-duh-duh-duhh...duh-duh-duh-duhhhhh....duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duhhh...duh-duh-duhh...duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duhh-duhhh-duhhhhh...duh-duh-duh-duhhh...WE'RE HEADING FOR VENUS...



But to be honest with you, I'm not sure you can vote against this nugget:




My heart is human
my blood is boiling
my brain I.B.M.


Wow. And if you thought that was deep, wait until they handed the pen to the Unabomber.

The problem's plain to see:
Too much technology
Machinesto save our lives
machines de-humanize.



The final vote is up to you. Happy Rocktober!

Apparently I've been derelict in my Rocktober blogging duties

Sorry, I've been busy lately - hanging out at Rick's place, buying a new Detroit Tigers hat, shaking down Icepick's sources, and trying to keep my mustache colada-free.

Today's ABotD: Y&T



Robots + Guitars = Awesomeness. It's a formula that always works.

Happy Rocktober!

Today's ABotD

Loverboy



Sure, Mike Reno may not be able to fit into those red leather pants these days without a shoe horn and a generous amount of Crisco, but this album still holds up almost a quarter of a century later. Can you tell me with a straight face that you're not working for the weekend?

Happy Rocktober!

I miss working at home

I'm suffering from severe Magnum withdrawal.

Quit hassling me for updates!

I will post when the spirit moves me to do so. And today, the spirit has moved me to pay tribute to one of the great warrior spirits of Rock 'n Roll, Ted Nugent.


What's not to love about the Nuge?

- He rocks

- He shoots things

- He's a bestselling author

- He was Kalamazoo's Dad of the Year two years in a row

- He's a reality TV star

- He's even a champion of women's rights





That's not enough for you? Two words: Pork Slam.

Happy Rocktober - enjoy your Nuge Nuggets.


Vegetarians are cool. All I eat are vegetarians - except for the occasional mountain lion steak.

I am Classic Rock Revisited. I revisit it every waking moment of my life because it has the spirit and the attitude and the fire and the middle finger. I am Rosa Parks with a Gibson guitar.

I've been collaborating with a one-ton, herd-bull buffalo from South Dakota that I ride onstage. People don't know whether they should shit or go blind, it's so unbelievable to see this dynamic humpage onstage.

Music is always raved about as the universal communication, but, boy, if you don't celebrate in the universal communication, especially the tribal scream and the tribal rhythms, the dynamic of sex, meat and overwhelming your enemy: That's life, baby, and that's what I feel when I pick up the guitar or the bow.

(on running for Governor of Michigan in 2006) Michigan needs me desperately — the pimps and the whores and the welfare brats need to be introduced to my crowbar.

Pop Quiz




Or, perhaps more accurately, Rock Quiz. Today's Awesome Band of the Day is Night Ranger.




Test your NRIQ with this quiz - fill in the blank to complete an actual lyric from a Night Ranger song. Happy Rocktober!



1. You can still ____ in America
a. eat flank steak
b. rock
c. watch Designing Women reruns
d. question your self worth

2. Sister Christian now the time has come, and you know that you're the only one to say _____
a. how fat my ass looks in these pants
b. what you really think about Grandma's cooking
c. okay
d. the "N" word

3. I need a ____
a. woman
b. haircut
c. Fresca
d. bigger belt

4. Don't tell me ____
a. how to raise my children
b. how The Da Vinci Code ends - I haven't finished it yet
c. she's a dude
d. you love me

5. ____ came without a warning
a. The Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol
b. Four in the morning
c. Billy Mays
d. That unsightly rash I had

Belated Stadium Review



I caught the Nationals' season finale at RFK Stadium last weekend. The seats weren't bad, but the park is, in a word, dumptacular. I played little league games in parks with more character. My grade: D minus




ABotD: MOUNTAIN


If someone told you they were going to see Leslie, Felix & Corky, you'd probably tell them to enjoy the Scampi and slap a unity flag on the back of their Mini Cooper. Not so fast, bub - they're going to see Mountain, and they're going to be rocked into a near-coma.

And how can you not love a band whose guitarist released an album called The Great Fatsby?

Happy Rocktober!

ABotD: ACCEPT

German Godfathers of the speed metal movement, these Kraut rockers released some of the most ass-kicking riffs the 80s ever saw (most notably on the concept album Metal Heart, which peered into a crystal ball and saw the world in 1999 populated by people with metal hearts), only to flame out in the early 90s. The band recently reunited for a 25th anniversary tour, much to the delight of metalheads from Minsk to Belarus.

I know what you're thinking: what's with the kid in the sunglasses?






That's no kid, that's Udo Freaking Dirkschneider. He arrived on the scene just when Metal needed a new image. Someone short, fat, gay, and with the voice of Grover on crystal meth.











If you looked up "rock" in the dictionary, you'd see Udo staring back at you.



Happy Rocktober!

HAPPY ROCKTOBER!

Today's Awesome Band of the Day - Bachman Turner Overdrive



The pride of Winnipeg.

BTO doesn’t just rock, they plant a steel-toed workboot firmly in your ass and tell you to fix them a sandwich. The guy on the left likes pastrami; the guy on the right is more of an Italian Beef fan. The guy in the middle will eat whatever you whip up for him and clog your toilet afterward.

PS - I'd like to thank the Mormons. Without them, BTO might never have taken care of business.

They left out the best part

of this story.

With Notre Dame sitting on a comfortable lead, Weis' thoughts turned to grilled sausage. At that moment, a UW stadium services employee strolled over and handed him a kielbasa, generously garnished with mustard and onions. "It's almost like Montana took my order,'' Weis said.

So the wife has been on my case lately

about all my recent trips to Branson and Vegas, and the new 8-track player I just bought, and my decision to shave my beard but keep the mustache... the nagging has been nonstop. Finally I just had to tell her:

Where have you gone,


Chunky A?

A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Hints from Heloweasel



Dear Heloweasel:

Do you ever get really hungry, but worry about eating something because you don’t want to spoil your appetite for dinner? Whenever this happens, I grab a Snickers bar. It fills me up, but not to the point that I can’t eat come dinnertime.

Ted Roquefort, Odessa, TX


Dear Ted:

Thanks for sharing this great tip! I’m partial to crickets myself, but I don’t know how well that would go over with our readers.

Heloweasel


Dear Heloweasel:

A few weeks ago I was taking my cockapoo Britches to the groomer when she had an accident in the back seat. Do you have any advice for getting the odor out of my car? I've tried everything from the pine tree on the mirror to Resolve, and nothing seems to work.

Agnes Pedersen, Yakima, WA


Dear Agnes,

Blot the area first with a thick towel, rinse it with one teaspoon of mild detergent and eight ounces of water. Then make a solution of one-third vinegar and two-thirds cool water. Blot with paper towels between each step.

Heloweasel


Dear Heloweasel:

I’m a 19 year-old cosmetology student with a medical device fetish. Because I’m in school, I’m on a rather limited budget, and really can’t afford the gear I need. I decided to get creative and make my own “doctor’s kit” from items in my kitchen.

Some examples:

BBQ Tongs = Foreceps
Rolling Pin = Dilator
Turkey Baster = Enema

Andrea Merkle, Tinley Park, IL


Dear Andrea:

If I had a nickel for every "poor, struggling student" letter I receive, I'd be able to afford gold-plated scapulas and catheters. Being a student isn't easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. Great ideas!

Heloweasel

The Joys of Lame-duckery

There’s something incredibly liberating about getting another job lined up while already having a job. Given that my sole motivation to actually do anything while at work is to avoid getting fired, having this kind of safety net allows me to suckle unfettered at the corporate teat. “You want this memo by Friday? Gosh, I’ll sure try. It’s just that, um, I’m really busy with a bunch of things ‘n stuff right now.” (Bad news, readers – you’ll be paying my salary at my next job. I can’t guarantee you’ll get your money’s worth.)

Including today, I have 33 more days of “work” with my current employer. Help me figure out how to spend those 264 hours!

My ideas so far:
- Write some more Scarecrow & Mrs. King fan fiction
- Recreate the Sharks vs. Jets scene from West Side Story in the lobby of my building – the maintenance workers can be the Sharks, the security guards can be the Jets
- Lead the mailroom staff in a daily 10:30 AM rendition of Who Let The Dogs Out?
- Build a wall out of stacks of printer paper around my desk and shoot staples at any enemy coworkers who dare to invade my fortress
- Bring in my Darrin’s Dance Grooves DVDs and work on my popping and locking (I think I have Bye Bye Bye down pretty well now)
- Lots and lots and lots of Minesweeper
- Pull up a chair and sit in the office of my insufferable Tina Yothers look-alike coworker all day long, staring at her and telling her “you’re so good at what you do”
- Curl up with a good book

Random Observations

on Chrysler's current Lee Iacocca ad campaign:

A.

I don't know why I take such great pleasure in watching the continuing downward spiral of Jason Alexander's career. I must have read some interview with him years ago where he came across as a jackass. Regardless, it's nice to see him resort to resurrecting his Costanza persona almost a decade after it was put to rest in order to make a buck.


2.

While the granddaughter spot is undoubtedly supposed to show the tender, loving side of Iacocca, I see something else. After she mocks his "if you can find a better car, buy it" line, I see a rageaholic hissing "that's my girl" through clenched teeth while thinking "NOBODY TALKS TO LEE IACOCCA THAT WAY - I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU." In fact, I'm convinced they tried several actresses before her, but Lee kept trying to strangle them. Thankfully, the director was able to find some OxyContin on the set.


d.

Snoop has a terrible golf swing. Also, I bet the same people who thought it would be HILARIOUS to put these two together are responsible for this flaming turd. The next Chris Guest/Gene Levy vehicle better be damn good; Levy has a lot to answer for.

Whoa.

Am I the only one who believed riblets to be a vile, McRib-like concoction dreamt up by a mid-level marketing manager at Applebee's rather than a genuine cut of pork?

With football right around the corner...

I figured it was a good time for me to get caught up on the latest happenings with the gang at Milford High.


I'm afraid the Mudlarks may be in for a long season on the gridiron if that's all the material they have to work with. Those kids look like they haven't seen a weight room. I'm hoping that's either the JV squad or the ninth graders.

Also, since all really good high school programs work on conditioning year-round, why is Coach Thorp wasting time having his players doing push ups? Shouldn't they have been doing that stuff all summer?

I'm just asking...



Where is Samurai Mike's other hand?

On a related note, where is Thomas Sanders' musical career? If Wayman Tisdale can get a record deal, T-Sandz is a no-brainer. Playa, please!

Musical Update
I thought the novelty would have worn off by now, but it hasn't. Holy crap is this good.

He Gawn!


Sorry, ladies - presidential semi-contender / piechart maestro / sizzling hunk of man-meat Dennis Kucinich is off the market.




Let's all take a moment to reflect on the halcyon days of Dennis the Menace's bachelorhood before we bid them farewell:
















(nothing tugs at my heartstrings like a good photo montage)