Chimps are people too

At least that's what I'm planning to tell the Austrian Supreme Court when I file an amicus brief in AAAF v. Austria.

Are you telling me this isn't a person?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

It's an adorable little cowboy! Of course it's a person.

Sure, I may be a tax lawyer instead of a real lawyer, but even the tax code provides a broad interpretation of the term "person". Section 7701(a)(1) of the Internal Revenue Code states that "the term 'person' shall be construed to mean and include an individual, a trust, estate, partnership, association, company or corporation."

If this

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

is a person, then this

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

sure as hell is.

Change of plans

Looks like I'm heading to Atlanta this weekend.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Odd Yet Entirely Understandable

Why wouldn't the coolest, smartest, and most awesome of all wild animals share a common bond with the coolest, smartest, and most awesome of all his domesticated brethren?

Mustaches of Yore

My all-mustache Cubs team from my childhood:

OF - Jerry Morales

OF - Thad Bosley

OF - Dave Kingman

1B - Bill Buckner

2B - Mike Tyson

SS - Steve Dillard

3B - Steve Ontiveros

Catcher - Tim Blackwell

SP - Rick Reuschel

RP - Dick Tidrow


U.S. Senator Charles Schumer (D., NY) has announced that on Monday, September 24th, he will attempt to pump his own gas in a show of solidarity with American commuters.

Double Trouble!

Names I would consider for my children were I to sire twins:

- Regis & Kathie Lee
- Crockett & Tubbs
- Shields & Yarnell
- Hardcastle & McCormick
- Scarecrow & Mrs. King
- Simon & Simon
- Hall & Oates
- Y & T
- Captain & Tennille
- Peaches & Herb
- Bacardi & Cola
- Kibbles & Bits
- Bang & Olufsen
- Turks & Caicos
- Turner & Hooch
- Smokey & The Bandit
- Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
- Kool & The Gang
- Huey Lewis & The News
- Fourth & Inches

True Story

Blue Oyster Cult was my favorite band in high school. The first concert I ever attended was BOC/Ratt at Poplar Creek in the summer of 1984. I just now discovered the horribleness/awesomeness of this video. The facial hair alone makes it. I hope you enjoy.

Believe it or not

Ben Stiller used to be funny once upon a time. His show certainly had its moments.

If the UN wants to get serious about the world's hunger problems

they need to get Ronnie James Dio on the horn STAT!

I think we can all agree that the efforts of Live Aid, USA for Africa, etc., while undertaken with the best of intentions, generally produced a lackluster melange of rotting aid packages and misappropriated funding -- with one glaring exception:


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Ronnie James got it right: Riffs = Chomp

You can't just sing a few notes and expect it to translate to food on a plate. It takes arpeggios. It takes ginormous hair. It takes copious amounts of leather and/or spandex. Dammit, it takes YNGWIE and the NUGE.

Just a heads-up: at approximately the 3:30 mark, most people will suddenly hear white noise. Do not be alarmed, as this is simply a result of your body's natural defense mechanisms kicking in and protecting you against excess riffage. Some people have a greater tolerance - recent clinical studies have shown that residents of Tinley Park, IL, for example, can typically hear the entire guitar solo through the Buck Dharma riff - but on average, most people find the riff-trading sequence between George Lynch and Neal Schon to be too much to handle and their ears fade out accordingly.

What American advertising needs:

More evil chickens and meat grinders.

I, for one, welcome the Fat Elvis phase of Britney's career.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Out: Liplocks with Madonna and wearing large exotic pythons onstage

In: Ticklefights with Liza Minnelli and riding a foul-smelling mule named Gordon onstage

All she needs are some sideburns and a repertoire of karate chops and kicks and such.

Or she could just use her umbrella, I suppose.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Dynamic New Candidate Enters Presidential Race

No, not Fred Thompson - Lee Fucking Mercer.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Why is he running?

- To Prove I have solved every crime in the world as it happens from zero to start to finish for every crime done in Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International.

- To Prove the government owes me Zillions of Dollars in money and is refraining to pay me and my business Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International.

- To Prove government employees are operating organize crime rape gangs solved by Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence Business and Commerce Intelligence Electronic Surveillance National and International.

- To Prove I got over 2000 Tapes to play to prove this program/project is authentic.

- To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease.

- To Prove America is America.

Where does he stand on the issues?


There are some concern about how we do our concerns of circumstances.


There is some concern about the tools to administer the United States Government and tools to regulate the government. A person manipulated by another for his own ends. When used figuatively of human agency, tool is generally used to in a comtemptuous sense. Contemptuous is manifesting or expressing contempt or disdain; scornful. Contempt is willful disobedience to or open disrespect for the rules or orders of a court or legislative body.


There is some concern about domestic violence in the work place and from the work place to families.


Public ownership (also called government ownership or state ownership) is government ownership of any asset, industry, or corporation at any level, national, regional or local (municipal). The process of bringing an asset into public ownership is called Nationalization or Municipalization. A government owned corporation (sometimes state-owned enterprise, SOE) may resemble a not-for-profit corporation as it may not be required to generate a profit; although governments may also use profitable entities they own to support the general budget. SOE’s may or may not be expected to operate in a broadly commercial manner and may or may not have to face competitive tendering. The creation of a government-owned corporation (corporatization) from other forms of government ownership may be a precursor to privatization. Definition taken from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Lee Mercer, huh? Why should I vote for him?

Once, I am elected to the office of President of the United States of America the thing I am going to do for the people is regulate the office of the President of the United States of America right and not wrong.

R.I.P. , the Italian Mammalian

Remember - you can't spell Pavarotti without Bravo (assuming that one was able to substitute the letter "B" for the letter "P").


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

If these kids can't make it, what hope do the rest of us have?

Silver lining for all you ladies - the Big Aristotle is back on the market!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Edit: Let it be known that I beat Deadspin to the punch by over two hours.