Dear Whole Foods:

Give me a freaking break.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for animal rights, but you have to draw the line somewhere. We didn't climb our way to the top of the food chain only to be denied our inalienable right to Surf & Turf. Moreover, lobsters are neither fuzzy nor cuddly.

They're crustaceans, which are a subphylum of the arthropod phylum. For those of you scratching their heads and mouthing the word "arthropod", here's a quick review:

Spiders? Arthropods.
Koala bears? Not arthropods.
Scorpions? Arthropods.
Orangutans? Not arthropods.
Tse-tse flies? Arthropods.
Golden retriever puppies? Not arthropods.
Cockroaches? Arthropods.

See? The old saying really is true - lobsters are the cockroaches of the sea. And your decision to elevate the rights of cockroaches over the gastronomical desires of your customers is one that you invariably will regret.

Your pal,

CTK

More fun lobster facts:

- In colonial North America, lobster was most commonly found in the dinner troughs of pigs, cows, and goats, its shells ground up and scattered over the rest of the farm as manure.

- “Lobster shells about a house are looked upon as signs of poverty and degradation,” wrote American observer John Rowan in the mid-19th century.

- In one Massachusetts town, a group of indentured servants became so upset at their lobster-heavy diet that they took their masters to court and won a judgment protecting them from having to eat it more than three times a week.

- Some contemporary Canadians remember kids from poor towns, as late as the 1940s, trading lobster sandwiches for peanut butter and jelly in the school cafeteria.

- Lobster first appeared on menus in the 1850s and 60s, as a bargain dish in the salad section–the going rate was half that of chicken salad.

4 comments:

Jackie said...

I like lobster.

Darth Roker said...

I luv my lobster -- especially taking him on long walks through the park. He is the best friend I could have ever asked for.

SuperMilkChan said...

The last time I had lobster I passed a gallstone.

Darth Roker said...

Is it wrong to name your pet lobster Butter?